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Monday, February 15, 2016

Burnt

Mungkin agaknya sudah penat.

Atau mungkin sebab aku rasa tak fresh lagi.





Aku ada niat nak berhenti menulis buat seketika. Insya-Allah lepas ini, lepas buku baru aku keluar (tatau la bila, tapi dalam tahun ni la, kata editor), aku nak berhenti menulis sekejap. Sekejap tu aku tak tahu sampai bila. Mungkin dua tiga tahun. Mungkin lebih cepat, atau mungkin lebih lama.

Bukan sebab aku kering idea. Dalam otak aku ada banyak idea. Macam-macam. Inside, outside, tepi, tengah, belakang, bawah box sume ada.

Tapi sebab aku rasa tak fresh. Dulu bila menulis, aku rasa seronok. Aku seronok share idea, aku seronok do all those "jengjengjeng...TWIST!" kind of thing. Tapi sejak akhir-akhir ni, twist feels stale. The industry itself feels stale to me. It was the same thing. Tulis. Edit. Publish. Jual. Sign buku. Baca review. Somehow amid all that, aku dah lupa keseronokannya.

Mungkin sebab dulu, masa aku menulis, aku fikir nak bagi orang terhibur dengan apa yang aku tulis, to make them feel that they're not alone in whatever it is they are going through. There was no need to compete, to make sure buku tu terjual dengan banyak, there was no need to worry about the economy, about TV adaptations, what else I should do to sell my craft. But the more you grow, the older you get, writing a book is no longer just for the sake of writing stories. It's about sales, it's about survival, it's about entering a world where there is competition all around. And in order to survive, you have to wear white in the sea of white.

Somehow, cita-cita aku yang dulunya "penulis novel yang ada kerja sampingan lain" dah bertukar. Kerja sampingan yang lain tu dah jadi kerja tetap, dan menulis novel dah jadi sampingan sebab I need to live and writing a book just doesn't cut it. It doesn't pay the bills. I used to not care about the money, and cherish the excitement of telling stories. But even telling stories doesn't excite me anymore.

I will find my way. I will make my return. Maybe sooner than anybody expected. But for now, aku nak berenti sekejap. Aku dah 32 tahun. Aku perlu ada hala tuju. I am sick of the same love story. Kalau tak, aku akan continue spewing the same thing over and over again because the market is like that, and my readers will just say, "She's burnt out".

Aku berborak dengan seorang fellow writer yang juga dah mula rasa bosan menulis, yang nak tulis sesuatu yang lebih daripada apa yang dia biasa tulis. Tapi katanya it's like trying to do a stand-up comedy dalam Maharaja Lawak. You can make the funniest commentary about the socio-political situation of the world, but in the end orang gelak gila tengok pelawak yang pakai baju perempuan.

Hmmm....

13 comments:

sofie adie said...

tetiba rasa sedih sgt baca entri ni....manalah nak cari penulis macam akak yg citer dia tak angkat org kaya...dan rendahkan org biasa...bukan mimpi tapi realiti....buku akak byk bg semangat kat saya...cerita akak ada bg tamparan realiti yang buat kita craving nak cari ilmu..bkn utk dibangga tapi untuk dikongsikan...buat org berfikir...baca novel bkn sekadar nak cari sweetnya cinta..tapi realiti yang harus diterima...

apa2 pun saya harap akak takkan pernah berhenti dari dunia penulisan...berehatlah kak...bak kata citer TDL, bila ada tekanan kita perlukan ruang... all the best kak!

^_^

dekcha said...

faham sgt kalau tetibe kite dah tak rase seghonok dgn ape yg kite buat. mmg kena take a break. papepun, saye adelah salah seorng fan novel akak. sentiase tgu bile novel akak nak kuar dan tak nyesal kalau kuarkan duit beli novel akak. haha. so please, do come back untuk nenggegarkan dunia penulisan after dah take a break tu. ngeh2x.

Nor Aqilah said...

saya faham. tapi sedih. sebab novel-novel yang ada sekarang ni..sedih untuk dibaca. lelaki kaya-kacak amat-kahwin paksa- heroin miskin-cantik gila.

semoga dipermudahkan urusan cik.

farra said...

you can write books about cats and i will still buy and read them.

but if you have decided to take a rest then it's okay. kita faham. sometimes kita tak boleh nak paksa sesuatu perasaan tu. all the best kak.

Reddish Flora said...

jangan berehat lama sangat kak.im sick with kawin paksa cinta orang gaji dengan majikan dan fantasi cinta mereka terhadap lelaki korea.tak banyak penulis macam akak atau baharuddin bekri

Reddish Flora said...
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Reddish Flora said...
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Reddish Flora said...
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Reddish Flora said...

kak nak tanya,dalam vn ada kisah maria dan amr al as kan? akak dapat kisah tu dari mana?dan syair arab tu

Unknown said...

i get what ur saying sis. its kinda sad i know, been there done that. we've all been through it bc thats what growing old means, thats what time turn us into, since thats what happen around us so we hve no choice but to follow and live our life with it whether we like it or not. so as a fan, i will respect your decision. just so you know, i didnt buy any novels except yours, i don want to waste my money by reading those typical cinderella, or kimchi stories. we got ur back sis. so be strong n love u always...

Nur mohd daud said...

So sad reading this entry. I really love ur piece of mind. Kadang2 rs nk tuntut ilmu dari kak shai..hehe anyway.. we r always here to support u. Sy ternanti2 karya akak and hope akak x rehat lama sangat. Ilham akak datang dari Allah and Allah always know best!

Nur mohd daud said...

So sad reading this entry. I really love ur piece of mind. Kadang2 rs nk tuntut ilmu dari kak shai..hehe anyway.. we r always here to support u. Sy ternanti2 karya akak and hope akak x rehat lama sangat. Ilham akak datang dari Allah and Allah always know best!

Shai Kamarudin said...

Sofie adie - thank you so much for the kind words. Akak tak akan berhenti, cuma akak kena stop and smell the coffee sekejap, kasik otak jalan :D

Dekcha - terima kasih kerana tidak menyesal... huhuhu... sbb setiap kali dgr org menyesal beli buku kita, rasa cam nak ganti je duit org. hehe

Nor Aqilah - thank you, cik! Saya akan pastikan hero saya tak kaya dan tak hensem :P

Farra - my latest book shouldve been about cats, but... we'll see in future.

Reddish Flora - haha, mungkin kena tukar genre lain tu jawabnya. thriller seram komedi musical ke... ehehe. Kisah amru bin al-asr tu drpd satu buku ni, tapi akak dah tak ingat tajuk dia, sbb buku tu pun akak pinjam dr org lain. dia cam "Himpunan kisah2 islam" ke apetah tajuknya. tapi spesis2 tu la.

Unknown - thank you, Unknown. That is so sweet of you, no matter how unknown you are :P but we do have a choice, to take that leap. it's just time equals opprotunity, I guess.

Nur mohd daud - nak tuntut ilmu apa? ilmu hisab? Ilmu hisab akak bangang sikit, ekekekeke. I will make sure utk tak rehat lama2 sgt. tq so much :D