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Thursday, June 28, 2012

Lapan Watak Heroine Novel Yang Bagi Aku Inspirasi

1. Aisyah
("Aisyah",)
Masa aku baca "Aisyah", aku memang tak boleh nak letak buku ni. Sepanjang hidup aku yang singkat ni, aku assume buku tu tulisan Khadijah Hashim sebab aku rasa macam KH yang tulis. Tapi bila aku check balik KH punya biografi, tak ada plak buku tajuk ni. Heran. Oh well, aku baca masa darjah enam. I must have been dreaming it.


2. Elizabeth Bennet
("Pride & Prejudice", Jane Austen)
Orang kata the beauty of Lizzy is the fact that setiap wanita yang membaca P&P akan rasa ada kualiti Lizzy yang ada pada diri diorang. It's true. For me, aku suka the fact that Lizzy tak actually berfikir di luar kotak. Dia selalu make fun of her mum who keeps trying to find suitors for her and her sisters, but at the same time dia menghargai the tradition of her era. She has her views and question things but she's still a normal girl. Kebanyakan heroin novel yang aku cipta, aku sentiasa cuba maintain that main quality of Lizzy - yang berfikiran jauh tapi tak go against the norms and tradition, as in independent but not rebellious. She's not trying to change the world, she just wants to live in it in peace. I mean, a lot of women characters tries too hard to be free and doing things overdramatically and is always right. But Lizzy is human. She makes decision, she voices her opinion and she admits it when she's wrong. And that's what I love about her... (and of course what Mr. Darcy loved about her).
Oh, dan aku paling suka Jennifer Ehle's interpretation of Lizzy sebab that's how I interprete Lizzy. Keira Knightley's was okay, cuma her proportion is ridiculous for a girl living in the Regency Era. I hate the Bolly version with Aishwarya Rai the most and Gemma Arterton's version doesn't help anything.

3. Alice
("Alice in Wonderland", Lewis Carroll)
Hardly a heroine, but still... Wonderland is the realm of dream. It was written as a place you go while you were sleeping. That's the whole spiel and the reason why everything is so LSD-ed dan pelik. Aku bukan suka Alice sebab dia heroic or buat apa pun dalam AIW. Aku suka the fact that Alice seorang yang curious dan sentiasa ingin tahu (hence the trademark "Curiouser and curiouser"). Aku seorang yang curious- which makes me bad at math because nobody pernah boleh explain pada aku why a formula is a formula. Jadi aku sangat suka Alice in that sense. She's curious and ridiculous - which is how I would love to describe myself. Akaka.



4. Scarlett O'Hara
("Gone with the Wind, Margaret Mitchell)
A belle and a bitch - that's how I would describe her. Scarlett tak ada bezanya macam bos perempuan yang menyakitkan hati korang sebab kedekut tapi demand a lot, flirtatious dan sangat workaholic. Setiap perkara yang Scarlett buat ada sebabnya, even after marrying Rhett. A bit Machiavellian sebenarnya, but still, aku rasa watak Scarlett memang a breathe of fresh air sebab I think she is the very first character yang aku suka dan aku benci dalam masa yang sama. You applaud her survival instinct but you're horrified at the extent of things she would do to survive. She's proud, stubborn, opinionated and doesn't care.



5. Anne Shirley
("Anne of Green Gables", L.M. Montgomery)
Aku start liking AOGG through the Canadian TV series in the 80s, played by Megan Follows. Then aku start baca buku2 LM Montgomery. She's an icon for girls everywhere. What I love about Anne is the fact that she has a large scope of imagination. Nothing is truer when she said, somewhere along the line of "I pity the rich, because you can have everything that you have no scope of imagination". Imagination comes from the nothing. Anda tak bermimpi untuk one day boleh mandi dalam swimming pool all day long when you already have that in your house. Anda tak bermimpi tentang pakaian yang mahal dan majlis yang mewah bila anda boleh attend those things and wear those clothes bila2 saja. Anne Shirley's dream was to become a writer. As a girl growing up desiring to be a novelist, I can relate to her. Even bila dia akhirnya berjaya jadi novelist, I still can relate to her.

6. Judy Abbott
("Daddy Long Legs", Jean Webster)
Sebenarnya Judy Abbott pun tak banyak beza dengan Anne. Aku suka Anne, Judy dan Jo March for the exact same reason - that they all wanted to become a writer, and each and every one of them went through different kinds of hardships to get to where they are. For Anne, it's rejection. For Judy, it's her life as an orphan. For Jo, it's the hardships of the Civil War. For me, it's to convince that a story doesn't need a formula to work, it needs honesty.



7. Josephine 'Jo' March
("Little Women", Louisa May Alcott)
Like Judy and Anne, aku sukakan watak ni sebab she has a dream to become a writer. Suatu masa dulu, aku pernah terfikir, kalau aku nak menulis, aku nak guna pen name "JoAnne Shai Laden" - as a tribute to Jo March from "Little Women" dan "Anne" of the "Anne of Green Gables". Poyo tak? Wakakakaka. Aku suka Jo sebab aku rasa aku dengan dia banyak persamaan. We're both second child. We're both stubborn. My dad  always let me do stuff he won't let my sister do because he thinks I have that boyish side to me, just like Jo. We're both clumsy and opinionated. We both have bad temper and both of us are not interested in the typical "schoolgirl crush" and have this thing about older intelligent men. Hahahahaha.

8. Irene Adler
("Sherlock Holmes", Arthur Conan Doyle)
Although I hate how Irene was portrayed in the SHERLOCK HOLMES movie, aku still suka the actual Irene Adler as Arthur Conan Doyle wrote it in "A Scandal in Bohemia". Irene as Doyle created sangat feminine tapi sangat cunning. I mean, as the only woman Holmes thought of as worthy of his greatness.  I hate it when a feminine character uses her sex appeal to get ahead. But Irene does it in the most ladylike manner, I just couldn't hate her.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Shit my dad says... (sempena hari bapa)

Instead of going the usual way, I am going to list down the coolest shit my dad said over the years:

1. "Ayah tanya orang buta tu, tak susah ke jalan malam2 ni. Orang buta tu menyindir, "Orang buta macam saya ni tak ada bezanya siang dan malam, encik". Ayah tanya sebab risau, kalau dia jatuh masuk longkang ke, takde sapa nampak dan tolong sebab dah malam. Dia sindir ayah pulak. Kang ayah tendang orang buta tu kang, baru dia tau." (my dad's rant regarding this one blind man he met).

2. "Hang Tuah bawak lari Tun Teja untuk sultan, naik kapal selama 40 hari 40 malam. Dia kan lelaki. Apa benda lagi dia nak buat dalam kapal selama 40 hari tu berdua je dengan Tun Teja? Main dam?" (my dad's suspicion regarding Hang Tuah and Tun Teja's relationship)

3. "Dalam nursery rhyme, Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Dalam gambar nursery rhyme tu, Jack dengan Jill panjat bukit ke arah perigi kat puncak. Sape orang bodoh buat perigi atas puncak bukit? Tipu je semua ni." (my dad's opinion about nursery rhymes and their stupidity)

4. "Dulu dia jual sabun ni dulu harga RM9.90. Lepas tu dia buat sale, tulis SALE 20%, dari RM11.90 jadi RM9.90 walhal RM9.90 itulah harga asalnya. Habis je sale, tiba2 sabun tu harga RM11.90. Pandai betul GIANT ni nak naikkan harga barang." (my dad's rant about how hypermarkets do business).

5. "Aku tengok je semut tu check lalat mati tu. Lepas tu dia lari balik sarang, mesti nak bagitau yang lain ada lalat mati. Jadi aku amik lalat mati tu dan letak tempat lain. Tak lama lepas tu aku nampak ada segerombolan semut datang kat tempat asal lalat mati tu dan tercarik2 lalat yang dah takde. Aku rasa lepas ni mesti semut tu sume balik sarang dan belasah kawan yang bagi maklumat tadi sebab bagi maklumat salah." (my dad's past time favourite - bullying ants)

6. "Kereta proton ni macam perempuan jalang. Cantik kat luar, buruk kat dalam." (my dad's philosophy about cars part 1)

7. "Kereta kancil ni macam kotak mancis letak atas tayar." (my dad's philosophy about cars part II)

8. "Kalau orang ajak berdebat, bagi dia fakta. Kalau dia masih lagi berdegil dan tak mengaku kalah, jangan gaduhkan lagi. Orang bodoh memang tak boleh diajar." (my dad's philosophy about stupidity

9. "Kalau beli kuih, bawak duit syiling je. Lepas tu carik gerai yang kuih dah nak abis. Kalau ada lima biji karipap, beli je empat. Kalau orang yang jual tu kata, "Bang, beli lima teruslah, ni yang last." cakap kat dia "Saya ada duit cukup2 untuk empat bijik je." Lepas tu mesti penjual tu kata, "Takpe, bang. Saya bagi free je sebijik lagi." Sekarang kita dapat lima biji karipap dengan harga empat." (my dad's other past time, psyching penjual kuih just for the sport of it)

10. "Kaklong, belikan ayah kuey tiau goreng. Ayah kan anak yatim piatu." (the first thing my dad says after we return from burying arwah uwan Maliah. He didn't say anything to us on the way balik kampung, during the ceremony nor on our way back.)

Everybody thinks their dad is the coolest for various reasons. I think my dad is the coolest just for being who he is. He never finishes his studies in Jakarta. He sacrifice his dreams and work as a clerk in SIRIM to raise us - always busy and coming home in the wee mornings to get more money from the overtime. He smokes and cusses and always say the weirdest shit that ends up making you rolling on the floor laughing. He never ask for anything, but we always follow what he says because he kinda do the psychology thing where he will sit down and not say anything with a sad face and make us feel like we are going to hell for not obeying. People love talking to him, because they always wait for the funniest craziest shit about politics he will utter, always think that for just a clerk in SIRIM, he's a frikken genius.

In my opinion, of course I think my dad is a frikken genius. Love you, ayah... though I never say it out-loud.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Would I Lie To You vs Betul ke Bohong

Here's my favourite British show - the one where I will rain wrath on anybody who say they hate it

,..



And this is its Malaysian version. The difference being the electric shock and the question asked by viewers.



My opinion?

Of course the Brits version is much more elegant and... well... Brrrrrritish (as Charlie Sheen would put it). And of course David Mitchell's deadpan humour is one of a kind. I guess if the Malaysian stars can be less talkative and ask more questions before answering, I would love it. At least you know Jep and Shuib are kinda really calm, NOT the kind of loud mouth who tries too hard to impress, like those stars on "Kata Kau". I can't stand that show - bising, tak kelakar dan poyo.

You can't really compare, though. Or maybe I can but I just don't want to because I am biased when it comes to Jep Sepah. Ahahahaha.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

8 Most Annoying Things You Can Say to a Single Woman

(put some introductory words here, some so-called academic research and whatnots here, some scenes and situations that prompted the writer to be writing this piece. I have been writing too many introductory note for Tupai articles, I am too lazy to do so here.)

Moving on....

1. "Takpe... adelah jodoh tu nanti"
Yes, kadang2 aku tend to write stuff like "Huh, mentang2 la dia ada suami nak buat semua tu. Ko tengokla bila aku kawin nanti..." in my FB status, but its meant to be funny. Let me teach you the best way to reply to this kind of update: "Hahahahaha. Mengong."
Yes, sometimes, when people wrote stuff like that, it is meant to be taken as a joke. I already have a mum and even my mum never say those kind of cliches. My mum is cool enough to say stuff like, "Pfft... kahwin konon." or "Cakap je lebey". She doesn't do the pity-reassuring-talk.

2. "Aku tau sebenarnya walaupun kau nampak happy, tapi kat dalam Tuhan saja yang tahu."
Nope. Bukan Tuhan saja yang tahu. Semua orang tahu. Aku bukan jenis senyum di luar, merana di dalam. The last time I did that, I feel like a total shit. Nowadays, when I am happy, I show it. When I am not, I show that too. But you don't know that, because I have this poker face/monotonous look. Even my former boss once said that I aced the poker face look. Nobody in MBO realised that I never understood what the hell they were talking about... Dual Speaker shit and stuff.
And anyway, it is really annoying when people seemed to think they know what you are going through, especially when you're not going through anything at the moment. I call this the "Pretentious Sigmund Freud" syndrome (ok, I don't. I just made that syndrome name up two seconds ago). They kinda shove their life experience in your face, doing the "I know how you're feeling. I experienced that once."
What feeling? Bored? Because at that precise moment, that was what I felt.

3. "Single bukan bermakna alone. Single means independent."
Oh, shut up. Stop giving me those corny words of wisdom. What am I? Seventeen? Stop all those cheesy helvetica/italic words of wisdom written on pictures of clouds, stating the reason why you choose to be alone. If there is something that says "I AM LONELY" in capital letters, it would be motivational posters. The most annoying quote I have ever read was "Bersendiri bukan kerana tiada yang sudi. Bersendiri kerana ingin menyimpan hati buat yang terbaik".
*MUNTAH DARAH*
Seriously. Stop making those motivational posters. It's so cheesy, it makes me wanna get married.

4. "Bila nak kahwin?"
I know. I know. This is the most popular annoying phrase of all time. I reckon this question was first asked by a giddy princess to another giddy princess who just been courted by a prince in the 15th century during their stroll along the forbidden lake (I don't name names). It was meant to be answered in that giggly girly way and proceeded by a long speech about "Lelaki idaman beta ialah..."
Not a question you should ask someone who came to a wedding with her other single friends. Are you blind? If I have an answer to that, don't you think I will be parading my soon-to-be husband for all my mutual enemies to see?
And it's not that I hate the question because I am single. I just hate cliches. I hate the sentence "Bila nak kawin?" as much as I hate those guys who PMed me going "Hye... wat per tu..." or "Leh kenalan. Awq writer yerrrr...", or those girls who kept saying "Aku dah move on dan tak peduli lagi apa kau nak buat" and yet still talk about it as if she is talking to that guy. Yeah, "Bila nak kahwin" is in the league of those extraordinary cliches. If you really want to make a conversation with me, try: "Shai, kau rasa apa akan berlaku pada kau dulu, kahwin atau mati?"
THAT would be creative. I would wanna answer that with enthusiasm.

5. "Takpe, single lagi best. Percayalah."
What's that supposed to mean? Are you saying that you would rather be single than being married? Is that supposed to console me in any way? Here's the thing about consoling a single woman. Don't. You know why most single woman in their late 20s, 30s, 40s and even 50s turned into these biatch spinsters who are angry all the time and seemed to be angry with everybody? It's because of people's sympathy. Here you are, happily living your life, and then suddenly "BAM!" - the Association of Concerned Married Citizens came knocking at your door preaching why you should be happy being single and don't have to concern yourself to be married. Among the facts given include: 
"Susah bila dah ada anak ni. Lebih baik kau buat apa saja kau nak selagi kau masih single."
"Kalau ko dah kahwin, responsibility dia lain."

Really? Aren't you the same people who preaches "Tak elok kawin lambat sangat" and "Jangan memilih." to me like, last week?

6. "Kau tu memilih sangat."
Yeah of course. Everybody should. But then, I am not like, pilih harta, rupa, nama and all those shit. Memilih in this sense is making sure I want to commit to that said person until I die. Do you know how hard it is for me to really want to commit to anything? Just last week I was thinking of resigning from becoming a novelist due to some inexplicable reasons. I will get married when I will get married. If not, then I don't. No biggie.

7. "Single is the best!"
Again, stop trying to motivate single people. Or at least, stop motivating me. It's annoying. No matter what I do, people will think that I need to be motivated by the coolness of being solo. Dude, let me be single with dignity.

8. "Janganlah piker cerita dulu. Kahwinlah."
This is for the men in one's life who thinks that the reason that you are still single is because you are still in love with them. If this is mediaeval Europe, I would gladly lock myself with a chastity belt hearing that kind of self-obsessed point of view. And when one say "Okay....", it is meant to be taken as sarcasm. But then again, who would want to remain single and still think about an idiot who can't even understand the simplest rule of sarcasm?

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Julie Andrews sings, "These are a few of my favourite men..."

I never liked handsome guys.

Handsome in this sense, is the type where you go "Sigh....... you handsome handsome man you..." The type like Brad Pitt, or Orlando Bloom post LOTR, Jimmy Shanley, Aaron Aziz, the English dude who was listening to Nik Aziz' Friday sermon that I saw in a photograph posted by the admin in Nik Aziz' facebook.

Or at least, something equivalent to that.
Because that's not love. That's lust. Okay, I love Leonardo DiCaprio but then again, I never loved him when he was that dreamy Jack Dawson-kind with Nick Carter's hair. I liked him when he was the miserable Frank Abagnale Jr. - the time when I realised that this dude is not just some pretty face cashing in on the pretty-face money. He's actually serious about acting, and the environment, and tigers.......

.... not so much keen about the women in his life, but tigers, hell yeah.

Liam Neeson, Bront Palarae, chubby "30 Rock" Matt Damon, Jep Sepah, Alan Rickman, David Mitchell, Glen Hansard, red-haired G-Dragon, Jay Chou (only Jay Chou in 2006 when he rocks the beard look. Other than that, nehhh), Giring Nidji, Sofi Jikan. These are the men that are interesting in my eyes. It's that 'je ne sais quois' they exude.

To tell you the truth, that is the type that inspire me to write. The type you don't actually turned your head to have a second look. It's the type of guys that kind of influenced your head little by little like some kind of drug. You don't really know what it is, but that person is influencing your every move. It's the type where one day, as you talk to them, you realised that their eyes lit up when they laugh or they have a little mole under their lips or that they kinda make sense in the weirdest way possible but it's positively endearing and then you go, "Oh shit, now I see something interesting. Now I am attracted. No! This can't be happening! This is ridiculous!"

So yeah, you will not get a good-looking rich dude in my novel (except for Zaniel, because I was proving a point in PLAIN JANE). I don't go to those kind of "wealthy playground". I don't dwell with the rich bachelors. I meet normal average guys with mamak-tea belly that is extremely not gentleman towards you, calling you "makcik" and laugh at your problems instead of solving them, yet they are there for you to talk to when you're feeling down and treat you to an iced tea while screaming "Fuck off, Lampard!" at the big mamak TV screen. Those are your staple malay men. I can't write a highly-romanticised character. I can't write your usual Korean men staples - the type who cries with you, do everything for you, fight for you, looking like Park Yoo-chun and have the wealth of Lee Ka Sing (again, I am making this reference because I watched too many Stephen Chow's movies since I can read, not because I know the guy). Because I never met these type of guys.

Bear with me and let's make sense of what we have around us, yeah? There are more guys that looked like Zahid AF and Khir Rahman than Fahrin Ahmad in Malaysia anyway.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

THINGS THAT I CAN WATCH/LISTEN AGAIN AND AGAIN ON YOUTUBE

1. Walk Off the Earth rendition of Gotye's "Somebody that I Used to Know"


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There's a thing about a bunch of musicians gang-banging a guitar. But then again, I shit-seriously love Luminati's voice and his part-hobo look.

2. David Mitchell's Soapbox


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There is nothing else much more unsexy than listening to a man whining about stuff. But this is David Mitchell we're talking about. I can spend my whole life listening to him ranting and rambling on and on about trivial stuff like marathons, wedding, Gaelic language or signing boobs.

3. IU's "Peach"


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I used to not understand why the craze about IU. She's cute, that's that. I am not really into cutesy stuff and her songs exude everything that I hate about cuteness. But then I found out that she was the girl who did all those beautiful renditions of songs that I originally hate. Yes. She was the girl who made "Gee" sounds - to a woman who is against cuteness and songs that composed of all saccharine sweetness - bearable. Then I listen to this. The song she composed herself - the song that reaffirm my faith in the importance of learning how to play a recorder during primary school. Also a song that reaffirm my faith in girls with guitars after all the shitty girls with guitars out there on YouTube. 

4. Kina Grannis' rendition of Taylor Swift's "Safe and Sound"


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Another girl with guitar that I liked, the fact that Kina Grannis has the soothing voice that can turn even the stupidest of songs (Britney Spears' "Oops, I did it Again" to name a few) into a masterpiece made me love her rendition of this Taylor Swift and The Civil Wars song. Kill all the Keshas and the Nicki Minajs. The music world needs Kina Grannis and her lot.

5. Michael McIntyre's standup


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I love standup comedy. But there is none that can do it like Michael. Sure, Dylan Moran is all about the gloomy-funny side of life, Kathleen Madigan is the funny woman who makes fun of politics (I love that, as most comedienne talk about relationships and reality TV. That's too cliche), Noel Fielding does all the weird things and Stephen Fry is the king. But Michael does jokes from the most random things - like conversations among condiments, about designer labels, his kids, Chinese food, and public toilets. And most of them are things you do and in the end you always laugh while stomping your feet, saying "That is so true!!!"

6. ALi's "Hurt"


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It's a sad sad sad song and I love the arrangements

7. Montecristo73's channel


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He got all the Japanese horrors out there cramped into his channel. Awesome!

8. TheBlackHoleBowl channel


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They got every single WOULD I LIE TO YOU episodes there is. Seriously. That's the ultimate show for me. I mean, not only I can watch David Mitchell and Lee Mack all day long, they also invite Brits stars and comedians. I mean, once, there was David Mitchell and Michael McIntyre on one show and they bicker. Heaven.